anythings.org

Apparently, we have returned to the classic stereotype that if a heterosexual man has an affair, it is his female partner’s fault. I am just as aghast at the comments to this article as I am with the actual text. Summary: Emily is a busy lawyer with a husband and two year old son. She hasn’t had sex with her husband for months. He had an affair. It’s her fault because she didn’t want to have sex. Feminism is to blame!

Except, the author of the article doesn’t mention that Emily asked to have a separate bedroom from her husband until you’re about halfway through the article. I highly doubt Emily not wanting to have sex was the reason the relationship deteriorated. And, in typical male fashion, her husband didn’t talk to her about the problem. What did he do? He went and stuck his dick in something else that was warmer and loving. I highly doubt sex was what drove this relationship apart.

The author also has the gall to compare sex with chores. The entire article is based on the assumption that because women are finally “allowed” to say “no” to sex with their partners (thanks, feminism!) they are alienating their partners and ruining their relationships. If the only problem in the relationship is the woman doesn’t want to have sex, you’d think the man would up and say something instead of having an affair or ending the relationship. Don’t you think it would be much easier to say “honey, I’d like to have a talk about our sex life”? It takes two people to make a relationship work. When my boyfriend and I experienced the same thing (hey, in my defense, the transition from college to a 40 hour work week is not an easy one… especially when he still works odd hours) he spoke with me about it. I realized what was happening, and it was probably the funnest I’ve ever had solving a problem in my relationship. The thing is, I didn’t realize I was doing it. I doubt these women realize what they are “doing” to their husbands.
Apparently, it’s not. It’s just easier to blame feminism, because feminism is an easy scapegoat. People don’t like feminism because of how it has been represented because of ridiculous articles like this. They get mad because they think feminists are out to destroy men and take away their higher pay, role as breadwinners and rightful place in the patriarchy. While some feminists aspire to do many of those things, this is not the feminism that has allowed women to say “no” to their husbands.

The feminism that allowed women to say “no” to their husbands is responsible for the Supreme Court ruling that yes spousal rape does exist. There was a time before feminism when women could say no: it just didn’t mean anything. It meant you were going to have sex whether you liked it or not. It meant your husband, the partner who you were supposed to love with all your heart and be with for the rest of your life, was going to rape you because he wanted to and you didn’t. Are we returning to this? Is this really what we’ve come back to? If a woman doesn’t want to have sex with her partner, it would probably be more logical to examine the situation closely rather than to just make a snap judgment and blame feminism. I highly doubt the same thing is happening in every relationship where a woman is saying “no” to her partner.

Blaming women for their husband’s affairs, regardless of the excuse (feminism, bad wife, etc), is an outdated idea that returns to the Biblical notion of women as the ones who are dirty and sinful. Men can do no wrong! It’s not their fault their wife is bad in bed! She should know exactly what he wants, at all times, without asking! It’s like in Mona Lisa Smile when Betty’s husband has an affair and she wants a divorce: she gets blamed by her mother for the downfall of the marriage. Betty’s marriage didn’t fall apart because she was frigid and didn’t have sex with her husband: her marriage fell apart because she wasn’t even 21 and had no idea what she wanted from life, let alone a life partner.

I will be the first person to admit that sex is important in my relationships. It is not, however, important in every relationship. These women and their partners may not hold the same views on the importance of sex in their relationship. Perhaps the problem was they had different expectations for their sex lives that they had not discussed with each other. There is one thing more important than sex in all relationships, and that is communication. If you can’t communicate what you do and don’t want from your partner, then it is your own fault when your expectations are not met and you are unhappy. It’s not feminism’s fault. It’s your own.